June 1
Another neupogen shot today. Basically all my joints and muscles hurt. Partly probably to do with lack of exercise but I’m too damned tired to move.
June 2
Aching from neupogen shots, and I’m afraid the sinus infection that came roaring back over the weekend may be moving into my throat and lungs. Have had mild sore throat and congestion, bit of a cough, from time to time.
Not sure if chemo seems harder now because I know it’s almost over, or if it’s just… harder.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 2, 2015
June 3
Had to stop using the “best” vein in my left arm for blood draws a while back, because it has built up scar tissue and now hurts. As of today, the right one is just not giving any blood at all, even though she can get a needle into it without hurting particularly. Is that what it means to have a collapsed vein? white cell counts 31,000 (normal is 10,000), so won’t need neupogen shots this week (yay) Dr L can sign off on leave up to six weeks after chemo ends not sure if that has to be declared while I’m still undergoing chemo
Now other people who don’t know what’s going on will know something is wrong as well. I’m being outed by my own hair. http://t.co/3yRrHTou09
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 4, 2015
Going on Leave
Hard decision to make, partly because, tired and sick as I am, it’s hard to make any decision, let alone one involving complex parameters, possible risks, and bureaucratic hoops to jump through. I think the American worker is trained not to ever let ourselves be vulnerable – we are a bullying culture, and the pack goes for you when your blood is in the water. And we get far less paid sick leave than other countries. I ended up going on leave effective June 4th.
later: Profoundly depressed and anxious. head hurts.
June 4 – 15.1
After infusion, B took me to SF to see Dr Johnson and get a culture.
Chemo #15 down, one more to go!
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 4, 2015
In SF to see my sinus doc to get treated for the nth sinus infection since I started chemo. Because chemo flattens your immune system.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 4, 2015
Chemo knocks out your immune system, making you easy prey for infections. I’ve had 5 rounds of antibiotics since chemo began. Now need more.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 6, 2015
This is about the worst I’ve felt to date, but it’s more about the sinus infection than the chemo. I think.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 7, 2015
June 7
Sinus infection as bad as I’ve had in years. Heavy green gunk coming out of my nose, general malaise and exhaustion. Hard to tell at the moment what is chemo and what is infection. My hands and feet are numb and tingly, that’s neuropathy. But the terrible weight in my arms and lower legs – taxol? infection fatigue?
When cooking a meal becomes a series of very short operations, punctuated by extended rests. Sigh.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 7, 2015
Tired of feeling so utterly debilitated.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 8, 2015
June 8
Hot flashes come at night, which def does not help with sleep.
In the last few days, my arm and leg muscles are extremely weak and sore.
Muscle weakness and pain is apparently a late-chemo phenomenon. Lovely. I’ll just spend the next month on the sofa, shall I?
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 8, 2015
June 9
Muscle and joint pains, and this evening some sharp abdominal spasms. WTF. So tired of all this.
I could really go for some NOT being in pain.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
There are many causes of cancer, many of which we can’t prevent and many of which we don’t even know yet. But FFS if you can prevent it, DO.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
Not all smokers get cancer, not all lung cancer is caused by smoking, but… courting cancer is idiotic. Because even surviving cancer SUCKS.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
…and I’d really like to NOT see other people go through what I’m going through now. So y’all take care of yourselves. Please.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
June 10
Mild (so far) diarrhea.
Dr L:
stay off work til July 6th – “You’re beat up at this point”
taste buds and GI tract can take 3-6 months to recover
blood counts ok, no need for shots
have port removed after mammogram, until then get it flushed monthly
Managed to drive myself to pre-chemo consultation today. May manage to buy groceries on the way home.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
Depressed to learn that my tastebuds won’t return to normal for 3-6 months after chemo. Most food tastes blah now. Dammit.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
Yes, cancer is a lot more survivable than it was. But what you have to do to survive is still REALLY REALLY AWFUL. Try not to go there.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
IOW: If you are still smoking, STOP IT. Lung cancer is now the leading cancer killer of women.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
…because all those years of “You’ve come a long way, baby” are catching up to us now. The Marlboro men died off a while back.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
Me: “This week’s new side effect is muscle pain and weakness.” Oncologist: “Yes, that’s all as expected.” Sigh.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 10, 2015
June 11 – 16.1, last infusion
There is a nation-wide shortage of zofran, they were going to give me Aloxi instead, but that gives me terrible headaches. We took the risk of doing without, which I may come to regret, but I can always take a pill. Picked up a burger on the way home and devoured it, tasted pretty good. But not settling well. later – ok, no nausea. Just ongoing muscle pain (back, legs) and weakness. Ibuprofen doesn’t seem to do a thing for it
In the chair for my last chemo. Side effects may continue to develop for a week or two, then will take up to a year to resolve completely.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
…and I’m done! For now. With infusions. pic.twitter.com/29VSaLOhrJ
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
Now I can go two whole weeks without seeing any doctors at all, and not getting poked with any needles, before I begin prep for radiation.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
My chemo has been administered through a port in my chest, but I’ve still had to get stabbed every week for blood tests…
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
…my “favorite” arm vein is now scarred inside and hurts, the best vein in the other arm has collapsed – put a needle in, nothing comes out.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
(For both legal and technical reasons, no, they can’t draw blood from my port.)
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
The port now stays in until after my next mammogram in October. It will need to be flushed monthly with heparin to prevent clots.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
…after the next mammogram, maybe longer – in case, you know, they find anything then. Don’t want to have to put this thing back again.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
Home decor: occasional table, Indian cushion sobers, fresh flowers, Cutter. @elfquest pic.twitter.com/66YWMORAA0
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 11, 2015
Fantastic t-shirt sent by an old friend (yes, it has significance). pic.twitter.com/GQriL6QQqL
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 12, 2015
Head hair is growing back, slowly, but I’m still losing eyebrows and eyelashes. ETF?
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 12, 2015
June 12
Decent night’s sleep, woke up once with a sweating hot flash. So far this morning feel pretty good.
(felt pretty good much of the day, then started having mid-back pain in the evening)
For those asking what happens now that I’ve completed chemo (for starters, it hasn’t finished with me yet) http://t.co/rGepPBGf7N
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 12, 2015
Antibiotics for the sinus infection appear to be kicking in – feeling closer to normal, even happy, today.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 12, 2015
Because it’s far better to light a @Lavernecox candle than to curse the darkness. pic.twitter.com/oslEmVOyhK
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 13, 2015
This is my other fabulous end-of-chemo present. pic.twitter.com/drLNNQDb1e
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 13, 2015
Well, that was a nice day and a half of no pain (possibly from the pre-infusion steroids etc). Now… pain (muscles and joints). Argh.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 13, 2015
June 13
tired, hungry, irritable
June 14
woke up a lot with hot flashes, though not absolutely drenched – that happened once last week, otherwise not in many months noon – feeling strangely cold, with muscle pain – arms, legs, back
That thing where I need to eat but I’m too tired to stand up and deal with food, and it’ll all taste bad anyway.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 14, 2015
Last infusion last Thursday means I’m still very much under the influence of chemo today. This damned mountain seems to never end.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 14, 2015
June 15 – 16.5
Had plans for today, but just putting laundry in was exhausting. Apparently I need to be less ambitious. mood swings. I guess menopause-related. gut has been sore for over a week, similar to when I was constipated, but I’m not particularly so.
At night I think: I might sleep better if I got more exercise. During the day I remember: Exercise? I can barely get off the damn sofa.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 15, 2015
June 16 – 16.6
side effects I still have:
- running eyes (when outside)
- running nose
- mild intestinal cramps/spasms
- hot flashes
- waking up a lot
- dry mouth
- taste buds not working
- muscle weakness
- tingling feet and hands
Hot flashes are often immediately preceded by chills. Argh. I don’t know how I will ever dress for the office again.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 16, 2015
June 17 – 16.7
Brief walk, came back completely tired. WTF? Hungry but can’t think what to eat. Everything tastes blah and unappealing.
Eating food which I know from experience to be delicious (Acme walnut bread and Humboldt Fog cheese), and can barely taste it. So depressing
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 17, 2015
Have reached the point where I can no longer stand foods that have been standbys for months. But most things still don’t taste right. Argh.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 18, 2015
Tomorrow will be the first Thursday in 3 months that I haven’t had a chemo infusion. Don’t know quite what to make of this new/old reality.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 18, 2015
June 18 – 16.8
Slept fairly well last night. This morning felt good for ~2 hours, then tired. Eventually drove to Target and to pick up a framed picture, exhausted after that. Splitting headache at 330 – migraine? trying beer
@vavroom @JKissnHug Cute, and better than giving money for “awareness” to organizations that cut funding needed for cancer detection.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 18, 2015
Thanks @lskrocki for a big tube o’schwag from the OpenStack Summit I was unable to attend! pic.twitter.com/wFO0bVVM6P
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 18, 2015
June 19 – 16.9
Sinus infection flared hard last night, in left sinus as well now, and I just finished the Keflex yesterday. Called my ENT’s assistante this morning, she hopes to hear from Dr J today.
This afternoon, feeling pain in the surgery site and pain in my right arm shot site. WTF?
Things I think I should be doing every day: 1 blog post, 5000 steps, at least 20 mins of yoga. Things I actually am doing every day: …
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 19, 2015
Sigh. Need another 10 days of antibiotics to get rid of my current sinus infection. The bugs are just laughing at what I’ve taken so far.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 19, 2015
June 21 – 16.11
Last night I woke up at least every hour from hot flashes. Today I pretty much hate everything. Sleep deprivation is torture.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 21, 2015
Started 2nd course of Keflex Saturday morning. Had a very bad night with hot flashes – didn’t sweat up the sheets, but could not get temp comfortable. Took the plush blanket off the bed, let’s see how it goes with just cotton. Walked with M to the farmer’s market, B picked us up after shopping. So… I exercised. Very tired and depressed and somewhat anxious this afternoon. Right sinus feeling congested, lungs a bit suspect as well tonight.
June 22 – 16.12
Somewhat better night’s sleep. Did 20 mins/2100 steps on the elliptical this morning. Evidently I’m past the period of not having to worry about my weight, and should start thinking more about the calories I take in. Was reading about the side effects of tamoxifen, one common one is weight gain.
Time again to pay attention to the calorie content of what I eat. Have largely regained the 10 lbs (at most) I lost on chemo.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 22, 2015
I am cooking again, relatively easy stuff that doesn’t require me to stand up too long. Made a yummy nectarine-blueberry crisp. Yay fruit!
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 22, 2015
Nail of my left middle finger halfway separated from its bed (chemo side effect). Let’s see if I can manage NOT to accidentally rip it off.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 23, 2015
June 23 – 16.13
Was tired last night after the exercise (6000 steps, of which 2300 on the elliptical). This morning walked four blocks, completely done in by that. ???
Back to doctors and needles tomorrow (radiation prep). Sigh. Oh, well. The break has been nice.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 25, 2015
June 25 – 16.15
Yesterday Jonake came to pick me up, we had dosas for lunch which tasted ok to me. Back at her home, I helped with her resumé / LinkedIn, then she dropped me at the Google field to watch Netflix vs Google cricket. Then I joined B and the team for dinner at an Indian restaurant in Mountain View, food tasted mostly good. Long day for me. Muscles even in my arms sore, maybe this is from the Keflex? Keeping left middle fingernail taped down as it’s about half separated from the bed and I don’t want to accidentally tear it off.
Radiation prep visit = all kinds of bad news. Mainly, that there will be skin irritation to the irradiated area (my entire right breast), possibly bad enough to blister, as treatment goes on. And the area most likely to hurt is the underboob. And how the FUCK am I supposed to support that breast to keep it from chafing and hurting and worse? “Wear a soft bra that fastens in front, one size larger than your usual.” THERE IS NO SUCH THING FOR MY BRA SIZE.
Learning about all the ways radiation can suck, especially with large breasts. FML.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 25, 2015
Now I know, in a very small way, what tattooing feels like. Nope. Don’t need any more needles in my life.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 25, 2015
Dear bra manufacturers: never tell me “one size fits”. Trust me, it doesn’t.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 25, 2015
I am so very tired of being a cancer patient. But… at least my right to healthcare is being protected for as long as I want to keep at it.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 26, 2015
Been doing the cancer thing for nearly 8 months now. It does occur to me that not everyone gets their diagnosis with a view of Paris.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 26, 2015
New me with added clumsiness: spilled half of what I wanted to heat for lunch irretrievably into the stove top. Thanks, chemo neuropathy.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 26, 2015
new: Radiation Prep: More to Look Forward To http://t.co/6C22TB1Jou
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 27, 2015
I’ve shed a lot of tears this week; at least some have been happy for us all – we’re moving towards being a better society. Onward!
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 27, 2015
June 27 – 16.17
Having intermittent episodes of shortness of breath/mild asthma. Maybe the steroids I was being given with chemo calmed that down, at the time.
Another chemo side effect I’m looking forward to the end of: eyes that water every second I’m outdoors.
— Deirdré Straughan (@DeirdreS) June 28, 2015
June 29 – 16.19
Altogether managed 5000 steps through yesterday. This morning just walking down and up to do the laundry is tiring.
Depression is a real problem right now, ever since the pre-radiation visit last week. I just don’t have the mental stamina to deal with one more thing. Trying to do things to improve my mental health (meditation class in July).
my breast cancer story (thus far)